"SUNDAY"

         Trying to make sense of it all. The transition from being at home to trying to be at home will never be easy!! I think that the effort to get through this every week is more exhausting than work.
         The time frame is adjustable. Depending on the weekend.....However there is no magic formula. Every weekend is different.
         This weekend seemed peculiar though?? Odd, you know?!?!

"Retro"

        I was so glad that the day has come and left. My son Michael has begun his future. He will now be acquainted with a more realistic view of the world. Probably a more complete one then I ever had.
        I have often during this last week began to reflect on his life as I have experienced it with him. His birth, as my son. His potty training days. His calamitous learning how to walk months(bam, pow, ouch ooh....) His early school years. His sports involvement. How he was always the little guy.(not any more) His struggles. His friendships. His learning to drive. His video gaming. Goodness!!!!!!!!!!! To now.
         He is no longer home. This is what is have striven for. Not the not being home part but the him creating a future for himself. I guess as a parent you really want your children to be successful in life and have the ability to be independent and self-sufficient.
          Michael, here is to who you are and to who you will become. Effect change son and enjoy, explore and live each day to the fullest now that you have begun....... May God richly bless you and provide you with life to the fullest. May it exceed your wildest dreams and may you always be a lamp to those who are in need of light........Shine on son, shine on............

"Dynamics"

              So I guess I will call this an 'epiphany'! To come to a realization that may be informative for you but possibly irreversible for me.
              Well so this out of town thing has really got me bothered. Not hot , simply bothered.......So, like you know how when you speak to your , in my situation, wife. Many times the only thoughts that are shared are thoughts of hardship. So that being on the outside you never are on the inside. Never able to feel the emotions of the different situations. Only the feelings of your wife.  You would most certainly have experienced some of your own.  Now this is definitely not to say that in quite possibly most instances the same set of emotions would have been felt BUT a different solution, a  life altering one was missed. Life changing, you know?
Ones that may have effected in a much more positive light for a welcome outcome.
            What have I missed!!!What have I done!!!!!!!!!!!!!!or Not Have Done?????
Don't let this happen to you................

Okay Then.....

      Well I just had one of those moments....you know , the ones where you know for absolutely positive that you missed out on something.....and that if you were there you would have??????????????????. Jesus, those are the really tough ones to get through!! Those are what my heart is missing....that is what I ache for.....and if you fucking think that 9 years till retirement is a fucking joke to me. Well than you don't know me. You work till you die!!!! I'll be gone!! Maybe even have some family memories of my own, you know!!?? Still need to work out my blogging technique....

"My Particular Life"

        So its like this. I have missed out on so much in my life!!!!!!!!! I know it is for the right reasons. But when someone tells me how I am supposed to deal with it, I get exasperated!!
         I began to have children at an early age Geez.... I was like 20 yrs. young. I took the responsibilities cause I've always wanted a family. I love my family. I loved it then and I love it even more now. I am sooo proud of who they are all becoming!!!! They are smart young people who will effect change in this world of ours.
         My struggle as of the last 5 years is that I have had to work and live out of town to provide. So one family and 2 residences on the same income.... My mind and body sometimes feels like it will stretch no further... I do break down and cry at times. But I know this will get me no where and then I just man-up!! I miss my children's  successes (small or big),  b-days, celebrations, sports, performances, dinners, their living. The "good nights" and "good mornings", the "you can do its", and the  "its gonna be okays.
         I feel like life can never be more painful to a person than it has been to me. I still struggle to do my part everyday as best I can... Sometimes the longing for my children and wife becomes so unbearable I just want to give up but I wont...
         People say, "well why dont you just go home and live with your family". I say "Okay, but when they need help financially to get to where they want to get in this life where should I get the money from". Funny how silent it gets!!!
         Now don"t get me wrong, I live this life of mine only through love. I couldn't do it otherwise!!!
         Sooooooooo, what I am saying if that you want to give me advice then be sure that you can give it to me from my position and not yours because really it just helps me hurt that much more.......!
         Boy, I can write to you forever. (whoever you are) This is a bit stress relieving. I'll will write again soon.

bummed

Since I am not home all the time, the time that I do spend at home is very important to me. Well I sorta blew this weekend and will never get it back. Big SIGH!!!!